Ahh February – the month of love or, more realistically, the month those of us still on the shelf frantically try to climb off it by using all our spare moments on Tinder and Bumble. This got me thinking about all the different types of guy a single lady will encounter on dating apps, and it doesn’t paint a promising picture!
But, from the good, to the bad and the (literally) ugly, I thought this would be a good chance for us squirrel-friends to share our dating app experiences.
Disclaimer: this is actually the first February in a long time I might actually have a Valentine <tries to play it cool> but as somewhat of a dating app connoisseur, I can confirm that I have encountered all these types of guys IRL. I’m certain you have too.
The Blanket Messager
You’ll match, and within an hour you’ll get a ‘hey hun xx’. Let the eye roll-athon commence. The worst type of Blanket Messager will send you his generic chat a week after matching. That’s right, you’re not even worth a First Round Blanket Message. You’re a Backup Blanket Message. Swiftly unmatch this one, though feel free to send a sassy ‘boy bye’ GIF before you do.
If you’re a female on a dating app of any type, then you’ve definitely encountered a Predator or six. You know the type – the ones who make you think, ‘does your mother know you speak to women this way’? Thank goodness you can’t send photos over Tinder messaging, am I rite? The worst type of predator won’t react kindly to your rejection of his grossly offensive (and probably grammatically incorrect) messages. Make a note of him then REPORT. THAT. MOFO.
It starts off great. You finally think you’ve found a guy who can get beyond ‘hey! good weekend?’ but then suddenly his messages get longer. And longer. And longer. He’s even started using paragraphs, and the message takes up a whole screen. When it gets to this stage you have two choices. If you’re genuinely keen, set up that date! In depth conversation putting the world to rights is much more straightforward face to face. If you’re not? Definitely abandon, and go lie down with a cold compress on your forehead to recover. No one warned me using dating apps would involve this much textual analysis…
The Eager Beaver
Dating is a minefield at the best of times. What do you do when you finally find someone you really find attractive? Well, not message them three times in a row in an increasingly aggressive manner when you don’t get a response, that’s what. Equally weird is when a guy’s first message is, ‘hey, do you want to get a drink sometime?’ Seriously, it serves to put in some ground work. Us ladies are much more likely to say yes when we’ve had an opportunity to get at least an inkling that you’re not a serial killer.
The Group Shot Guy
Boys, we know it’s tricky to get a good photo of yourself, but if we’re left playing some weird Tinder version of Where’s Wally looking through your profile then it does not bode well. We have all matched with someone thinking they were the future love of our lives, only to discover we actually fancy his pal instead. Some men choose to get round this by scribbling over their mate’s faces, but that just seems rude. Go ask your mum to take a few photos of you instead, lads. She’ll be delighted.
Why. Do. Men. Make. Tinder. Powerpoints?! Granted, it’s hard to put your best self forward on a dating app where people tend to make up their minds in seconds, but trust me fellas – none of my friends have ever been swayed by a slideshow detailing ‘why you should match with me’. If anything, it strikes of a man who has waaaay too much time on his hands. Lesser level Tryhards include men who borrow babies and puppies for their profile photos. Yeah, we’re onto you Mike with ‘your’ cute pug.
‘Pictures available if we match’ – that’s not how dating apps work, pal. While I’m sure some girls are turned on by the intrigue, most of us aren’t going to swipe right at a photo of your car or a mildly offensive meme. Even more bizarre is when men try to catfish you with photos of celebrities or Instagram models. Mate, I’m a Millennial with Internet access – I’m definitely wise enough to realise Zac Effron isn’t going to be on Tinder in Manchester looking for ‘a lovely down to earth girl’.
You see the first photo. It’s love at first sight. Instantly you go to right swipe, but you decide to click onto their profile, in the hope their bio will provide you with the perfect opening line. Wait, what the..? You glance at the subsequent photos – is that even the same person?! Sadly, we all look better from certain angles or with the right filter. The Chameleon is a reminder that what you see isn’t always what you get with dating apps. Ladies, you hate being fooled, so stop using Snapchat filters on your own photos! ‘My name is Alice, and I have a dream that one day our dating profiles will actually resemble who we are in real life…’
The Solid 9/10
After swiping through the dregs (and then the dregs of the dregs) it can be hard to keep the faith that there are any good men out there. But rest assured they aren’t all letcherous, cat-fishing cretins. I’ve been on many, many Tinder dates in my life (and one Bumble – more on that at a later date I hope) that have ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous. But until you find someone who isn’t a total nincompoop, try not to get too caught up in dating apps this February. After all, the money you aren’t spending on someone else you can spend on yourself, right? Whether you’re single or taken, I call that #winning
This post is intended to be lighthearted. If you’re an ‘Eager Beaver’ or the ‘Group Shot Guy’ then don’t be offended. You do you, hun.